My dad literally hits me and punishes me by starving me. However, my friend says he’s “just trying to shape me into the perfect young man” and that he “truly loves me”. This almost makes me think she’s either my dad in secret or dating my dad.
In all seriousness, what do I do? Stop talking to her? Talk to her? Be her friend despite it?
These people suggesting CPS. Good luck the next system can be just as bad.
Your “friend” is an idiot. You should not share anything personal with her. This situation is NOT normal. Take a deep breath. Sit down and write out what’s going on between you and your dad. See if your state has a CPS website and find out what the process is for reporting abuse (and find out what they consider to BE abuse. I’m pretty sure deliberate starvation qualifies.).
Do you have any friends outside the home you trust and can stay with, short term? Cops aren’t going to be useful, here. They’re not CPS or mental health caregivers and they’ll probably just take you back home to your dad.
Bruh I think you need CPS
Seek help from a trusted adult. Teacher, parent of a friend that you trust, wherever you can.
With a friend like that you don’t need enemies.
How would you react if you read this post as a stranger? Would you be okay with a father abusing a child?
Please also look for help outside an internet forum <3
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Maybe someone should create a relationship advice community, because !asklemmy@lemmy.ml isn’t supposed to be that. It’s supposed to be an r/AskReddit clone.
There’s one at !relationship_advice@lemmy.world
there is, but certain users get downvoted
In all seriousness, what do I do?
You document your dad’s child abuse and then report him so he can be prosecuted, convicted, and given a proper punishment back.
You seem to value fairness and justice. I worked at a shelter and it’s often not as simple. Often, the dependency that children have with their abusive parents (or partners with their abusive partners) is something that needs to be worked on first, before any attempt to leave is made.
Of course. Thank you for your dedication. ❤️
he needs to understand why his actions are wrong. punishing him isn’t teaching.
Sometimes people do things they know are wrong. Beating one’s child is pretty goddamn obviously wrong.
The irony of your post is that it would apply well to the child who indeed should be taught instead of physically abused (punished).
But why should society let abusers decide what the abused learn when the lessons being imparted are almost always self-serving.
We all make mistakes, we are all human, but sometimes the mistakes we make should have consequences that prevent future errors. Drive drunk? You shouldn’t have a license or a car. Shoot up a school? You shouldn’t have a gun, be near schools, or really even be in general society. Beat your child? You shouldn’t be around children
but cutting a kid off from their only known support system and jailing the abuser doesn’t serve the kid or society, on balance. I want to fix the problem, but calling the cops just doesn’t look like a fix to me.
I watched my dad get cuffed and taken away and he’s an asshole but that didnt fix the problem. I leaned on my mom, moved in with my grandma, and I’m better for it. it’s not clear this kid has an extended network that can help them make it better.
being in jail and paying fines didn’t help my dad. the biggest best change I saw from him came from explaining the dsm npd diagnosis to him.
I want this kid to get help, but I don’t think the cops are it.
Surely his son’s resentment should serve that purpose.
But in lieu of that, sure. However, I’m also of the opinion that teaching someone like this anything is second priority to just getting them to stop doing the bad thing.
of course, stop it. but what good is a jail sentence or fine going to do?
In the short term? Grey rock your “friend.” This person is an enabling shit who does not have your best interests at heart. You are being physically abused. What you describe isn’t corporal punishment (which I personally consider to still be physical abuse), it is abuse. Starving someone to punish them is abuse. Anyone who takes part in, or enables said abuse is not someone you want in your life.
Do you have anyone safe in your life that you could go to? Other friends that would not condone what you are experiencing? An estranged parent? Even a trustworthy teacher? I’d recommend trying to build up a support network of people who actually care for your well being before pushing this enabling piece of trash out of your life.
Tell her to fuck off. She doesn’t care about you.
Yikes, that terrible…
I think you need some more “official” help to this (I dont know where to direct you though…)
As to the “shaping” part, that’s your dad traumatizing you to conform to patriarchy and eventually become emotionally numb and cruel, ~just what patriarchy wants in order to survive… ughh, that’s really bad (you can learn more from the book “The will to change”, where bell hooks explains it very well)
There is a lot of evidence that this type of punishment is counter productive and leads to more problems than it solves. EG https://healthy.kaiserpermanente.org/health-wellness/health-encyclopedia/he.corporal-punishment.tm4923
Maybe you can show her those things and point out that those behaviors do not create healthy relationships. If she agrees with him, maybe her relationship is also not healthy, and should be limited.
Fake or go to the police. Gather evidence of your father’s actions first, then report him. Full stop, end of post. The friend is literally irrelevant.
I’d be concerned that she’s been conditioned to believe such things in her home life as normal. No joke, congrats to you for recognizing the abuse you’re going through. It’s tough to spot and name it, let alone talk about it to others. Great first steps on your part. For your friend, it sounds like she’s going through or has gone through something.
I’d suggest talking with a trusted adult, any trusted adult about this. They’re going to give you better perspective and, more importantly, assistance with your situation, which is absolutely not ok.
For your friend, I can think of 2 responses:
- Ask her if she’s been abused and conditioned to think that abuse is ok. Tell her that abuse isn’t ok, and that if she’s been abused, she needs to talk to someone about that, like a trusted authority figure.
- If this is a “debate me, bro” situation, there are endless resources that prove that victims of abuse are, indeed, victims. In other words, abuse doesn’t strengthen anyone in the relationship; it weakens the victim through abuse and trauma. You can find all sorts of studies on any angle you’d like to pursue.
Sounds to me like this friend has gone through similar experiences and this is their coping mechanism.
Compromising your health as a ‘means to teach’ is not good parenting. Physical abuse and starvation are recognized means of torture, as far as I’m aware. Please seek help,if possible.
As for your friend, if you’ve already tried explaining your situation and that still doesn’t register as abuse, you can tell her that you require support at this time, not additional work from someone in a position to support. It’s ok to take a break from her for a time while you try to better your situation.
Best wishes bud, hang in there.
