- cross-posted to:
- science@lemmy.world
- cross-posted to:
- science@lemmy.world
Research says involuntary celibate men make “fundamental errors” about what women want in a partner.
Research says involuntary celibate men make “fundamental errors” about what women want in a partner.
I can see that. These guys don’t know how to date/flirt etc they didn’t have the same milestones others kids did. They should have learned when everyone in their cohort was learning. Imagine if you didn’t learn the fundamentals of any subject but had to keep going to harder and harder levels. End up with the dating mind of a 13 year old trying to deal with 23 year olds. Of course you need experience to get experience like a fucking zen riddle so they fall even further behind. Partners don’t want to deal with the awkward insanity of a boy in a man’s body.
To be honest, dating 20+ is a shit show. The things i learned about dating in my teens didn’t help me dating in my 30’s. Sure they have issues dating but we all do. It’s the willingness to learn, adapt, and care for someone else that i don’t see in incels and that isn’t learned from dating in your teens. They seem to blame outside forces for their issues and not seek to improve themselves
Well for me it made a big difference. I don’t think me and my wife would have stayed together had it not been for other woman I had dated prior. Learned how to have an argument, how to show random acts of kindness, gotten the nerve up to tell them when they are hurting you unintentionally, etc. This stuff didn’t come naturally to me.
100%! I am not saying learning these things doesn’t help. But blaming lack of dating in their teens for an incel becoming who they are is not a valid justification in my opinion.
You can only blame yourself so much before it causes so much emotional anguish that you turn your frustration outwards.
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I never meant to imply/ say or in any way hint that therapy is bad. I think everyone can use it.
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nor should they be required to; the enormous amount of work we put on women to make relationships work is already crushing. This reminds me of the screeds about how “liberal women will need to compromise for the good of the demographics of the country, they’ll need to date conservatives of course!” - THEY REALLY THINK THIS SHIT. They feel they’re being DISCRIMINATED against for their views hahahaha, that’s how fucked up they are. https://www.nationalreview.com/magazine/2021/07/12/political-discrimination-as-civil-rights-struggle/
it’s obscene.
https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/3675477-young-women-are-trending-liberal-young-men-are-not/
I think I know where this argument is coming from, but it’s a gross misrepresentation of what was actually said. Neither of your links support that anyone thinks this is the case. In fact, from the very conservative one, even without having access to the full article, they very explicitly note, after having said that only 6% of college women would date a trump supporter “While people are free to discriminate however they wish in dating, this attitude bleeds into problematic spheres such as hiring and social toleration.” It’s clear that they are trying to make the argument that this dating bias is an indication of a deeper bias. It’s still dumb, but I’ve yet to hear anyone of merit actually argue “liberal women will need to compromise for the good of the demographics of the country, they’ll need to date conservatives of course!”
well if you only need evidence to shut up, then:
https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/11/22/marriage-polarization-dating-trump/
https://fair.org/home/wapo-tells-women-if-you-want-marriage-compromise-with-misogyny/
is it unrealistic? sure is, the entire premise is facile - and mostly fabricated as that second link points out. It’s the fact that conservatives took to their opeds to decry the ‘discrimination’ that makes me sick. lilly white rich misogynists’ don’t need affirmative action dating programs.
That opinion piece you link to mainly makes the argument that it’s good for the individual as “on the whole, while politically mixed couples report somewhat lower levels of satisfaction than same-party couples, they are still likely to be happier than those who remain single.”’ To be fair, in passing, it also mentions it’s good for society.
Of course, it also clearly notes that “marriage isn’t for everyone. Nor is staying in a physically or emotionally abusive marriage ever the right choice.” So this whole claim that they are saying women should “compromise with misogyny” is completely untrue. It’s basically pointing out what should be obvious to everyone: who a person votes for does not tell the whole story about them. Granted, don’t get me wrong, voting for Trump really makes me raise an eyebrow, but I’m very liberal and work in a very mixed field and know plenty of people who voted for Trump and they are all good people. These are all people I spend a lot of time with and while I would vehemently disagree with them on politics and policy, I can also see that they are decent people. While I am lucky that my wife and I align very well, including politically, I think assuming that I could never have a fulfilling love life with someone who voted for Trump seems pretty narrow-minded.
This right there is the source of most of my anxiety
Try interacting with women without the expectation of an intimate relationship. And I don’t mean “be friends for a while with the end goal of getting with them”. I think a big issue is seeing women as an achievement instead of as people.
The thing is women don’t want male friends as well. They are taught by society that men are all perverts and dangerous. So when men try to make friends, they’re automatically suspicious or just straight up reject them.
What? Most women I know, including myself, have male friends. What are you on about? Are you doing a bit, per your username?
Must you insult people when you reply? Is that really necessary? I’m not gonna reply anyore so don’t bother, since you seem to lack basic respect.
You just insulted half the human species with your creepy incel comment. I owe you no respect.
I am not sure exactly what to advise, I imagine the longer you don’t do something about this the worst is going to get. So maybe be proactive?
This is exactly my situation and it seems to get more dire every year that I stay single. I wish I could upvotes you a thousand times.
Hey man, I had some of the same anxieties about being a late bloomer, never finding a girl, not knowing what to do if someone showed interest etc. This will probably not be new advice to you, but here we go:
No matter how old you are, it‘s never too late to start things. Go out and have some fun, socialize with women, try dating, do hobbies with women involved etc. Invest in yourself, have a basic level of hygiene and dress socially acceptable. At some point you will find someone who is into you, and if you are open and up front about your lack of experience, they will probably overlook most of the early dating blunders.
Just don’t go into it all with the expectation that something has to happen, or that if you do the right things someone has to be into you. It’s ok to fail, it’s ok to be awkward, you learn a lot from it.
If you wanna talk privately about this stuff, shoot me a dm.