Sebrof [he/him, comrade/them]

Recursion

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Yeah I get that lol All I can say is that I think some others here have given good advice that balances the reality of the situation being that computer shit is one of the few decent paying jobs, so we’re in a privileged position (hence think deeply before throwing that away just now) with passion (capitalism means most people hate their job, very very few are lucky with having unalienated labor).

So as long as it isn’t completelt unbearable, it may be good to stay in the field, do what you can to keep on top of skills to do what you got to do to keep the job (and make friends and network and yadda yadda) and put your energy into something more meaningful that isn’t work. Organizing, since being a leftist means fighting for revolution is the true goal overall, and even finding some hobbies or projects that get you in touch with the Humanities. Maybe even a place where software and the Social sciences meet. These exist.

If lucky, you may eventually be able to get a job where you use software skills (in high demand, good paying) that is applied closer aligned to something of your interest.

This answer is realistic I think, but it isn’t ideal (I don’t even like typing it out, and I’m in your boat so I feel the pain), but the ideal situation just is hard to land under capitalism. Maybe it’s possible, but it’s up to you come up with the plan. Sticking with software but doing the above to save your sanity is one path, and may be the path with less risk. But it requires you to also build up a type of self-confidence and self-knowledge and self-love where you don’t judge yourself harshly for not “measuring up” to coworkers who just don’t have your passions, interests, and your heart. But that type of self love is good to build anyway. This place will try to rip it out of you if you aren’t “productive”, but being a dope for capital by spending your energies for its games just shouldn’t be the measure of your worth. Even if it feels like it. And I know in my job I get that feeling a lot

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I hope things get better. I don’t know of a simple answer. And I also get that feeling of comparing yourself to others (like your mentor) who live and breath this stuff and it makes you feel like you don’t measure up- even when “logically” you know that it’s because of a difference in passion. But it still hurts because, at least for me, it makes me feel further incompetent or worthless and it makes me angry that they get to self actualize in some manner in that field.

Maybe you don’t have that problem, but I have had it multiple times with my jobs. And even though I know I should feel that way, I still feel bad about myself when coworkers do so well in their jobs and seem to enjoy it while I just do what I can to get by because I have no passion whatsoever in my job. It makes no sense that I do the comparison, but it happens regardless. So if that happens with you, I definitely get it.

Lol this past Friday my coworker and I were working overtime to finish up a report, and I had been pulling out my hair and at my wits end doing these mindless SQL queries and other nonsense trying to get the necessaey results, and by 7pm on a Friday I was just wanting to get it done with to start my weekend. But my coworker seemed to like if and enjoy it in some odd way. He even said that he “enjoys challenges like these”

When that happens I’m just stunned. Debugging queries is this guy’s idea of a rewarding and stimulating challenge? Then wtf is wrong with me then lol. Good for him though lol.

Also, another tangent. I just like to rant about work, really. For my company we had to take these “personality tests” for our jobs, and find what skills we liked or how we communicate, etc. Most coworkers got that their favorite skills were “analysis” and “science” (very scientific test we took), while my preferred skills were “music”.

At first I thought it was because everyone else bullshitted the test to get brownie points, but when my coworkers saw my results they were simply stunned. “Music? What are you doing here then?” they asked (I wonder that myself every day). But it was weird. They were stunned thay somebody could have interests like “reading” and “music”. I thought it was just human. But some people either love this job or have convinced themselves that pulling amd compiling data is the end all be all of actualization. Maybe it’s cope, idk? But it does no good to compare oneself to them if it isn’t you. It’s okay to have interests that capitalism can’t exploit. It’s frustrating to not feel ones labor and passions as part of building something you care about, though.

So, it may be possible to find some way to use your skillset and direct toward work or orgs that you care more about.

It may have to be volunteer, or you may have to take a pay cut if working for a NGO. I hope it goes well. I feel your pain

Had/have a similar problem. Didn’t get a job in academia in my field of study (despite years and degrees) because my heart wasn’t in my field (it was in the humanities like you) and have been stuck in boring data analysis jobs since. The pay also has not been keeping up with rising costs, so there’s this push to get higher paying tech jobs which I don’t feel qualified for. I know all the math ML and such, but I’ve got piss poor devOps skills. And most companies seems to want someone with data engineering knowledge which I don’t have. So now I feel a further push to learn all these skills that I have zero interest in just to stay on top of it all. And I was already burned out on this long ago.

And going back to school seems unrealistic, and there aren’t many jobs that pay well in the humanities.

Something thay has helped me, and may help you, is if your current job gives you free time then use it for your own passions. I feel like I’ve given up on having a meaningful job, so I’m just taking back as much time as I can.

Since I have STEM skills I have been using them to learn the math in political economy and do some modeling in my own computer for it.

So it is a niche little area that combines STEM with the humanities that I do in my free time. And it keeps me sane in some little ways.

But alienated labor still sucks. There’s no way around it, but it sucks less on those days thay I have free time. Some weeks I’m constantly busy though and that’s where if gets bad. Like you, I hate this stuff lol.