That’s some dystopian nightmare fuel. Are you sure you’re not just quoting a Black Mirror episode?
I would, but I have to work extra. I’m still paying off the pizza I ordered yesterday. That’s a joke, but you sent me down a rabbit hole. The things getting financed now are insane. I hope people realize that the money supply is affected by loans and that financing things contributes to inflation.
My best friend last week was stuck in line at the wing shop behind a woman who ordered 60 chicken wings. They gave her the total and she pulled up klarna on her phone. He says it popped up “approved for payment, installments begin 4/23”
For WINGS. A payment plan, for dinner. It’s already over.
I bet they’re really serious about their payments, too. Once you miss a few, they take you to court. Imagine being about to bite into a chalupa when the sheriff yanks it from your hands and informs you that Klarna has put a lien on it. He puts the chalupa in its own locking cubby, in a large plexiglass case full of other impounded items in the restaurant. You quickly open the app and make a payment. He receives a phone call and then retrieves your chalupa from the transparent lockers. He hands your chalupa back to you. Meanwhile, you’ve just made a payment you can’t afford. Some other bill will go unpaid. Also, your APR went up for being a higher default risk. Now everything costs just a little bit more.
This has been an exaggeration, but it’s not as far off as I would like.
The Libertarian Paradise is a satirical piece of fiction written by Tom O’Donnell titled L.P.D.: Libertarian Police Department for The New Yorker back in 2014:
I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.
“Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”
“What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?”
“Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.”
The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?”
“Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”
“Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”
He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”
“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”
I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.
“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t.
“Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.
“Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”
It didn’t seem like they did.
“Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.”
Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.
I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.
“Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.
Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.
“Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.
I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!”
He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.
“All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”
“Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.
“Because I was afraid.”
“Afraid?”
“Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.”
I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.
“Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.”
He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me for arresting him.
It’s by design. I could do that or I could have no vehicle, and my city is American, so nothing is near anything else, in particular my job at the time I needed to get a vehicle. So it was take the predatory loan over 7 years or lose my job and soon after my home.
That’s horrible. 7 years is almost the average length of ownership in the US.
Exactly, pay it off just in time to get a new predatory loan with peanuts in exchange for the trade in.
Semi-related, ask your friends how many of them own their phones vs paying monthly.
That’s some dystopian nightmare fuel. Are you sure you’re not just quoting a Black Mirror episode?
I would, but I have to work extra. I’m still paying off the pizza I ordered yesterday. That’s a joke, but you sent me down a rabbit hole. The things getting financed now are insane. I hope people realize that the money supply is affected by loans and that financing things contributes to inflation.
My best friend last week was stuck in line at the wing shop behind a woman who ordered 60 chicken wings. They gave her the total and she pulled up klarna on her phone. He says it popped up “approved for payment, installments begin 4/23”
For WINGS. A payment plan, for dinner. It’s already over.
I’m sorry to hear that.
I bet they’re really serious about their payments, too. Once you miss a few, they take you to court. Imagine being about to bite into a chalupa when the sheriff yanks it from your hands and informs you that Klarna has put a lien on it. He puts the chalupa in its own locking cubby, in a large plexiglass case full of other impounded items in the restaurant. You quickly open the app and make a payment. He receives a phone call and then retrieves your chalupa from the transparent lockers. He hands your chalupa back to you. Meanwhile, you’ve just made a payment you can’t afford. Some other bill will go unpaid. Also, your APR went up for being a higher default risk. Now everything costs just a little bit more.
This has been an exaggeration, but it’s not as far off as I would like.
Right about now is precisely when I wish I had my handy copy of the libertarian dream pasta
Then see it now!
It’s by design. I could do that or I could have no vehicle, and my city is American, so nothing is near anything else, in particular my job at the time I needed to get a vehicle. So it was take the predatory loan over 7 years or lose my job and soon after my home.