You have all the powers that Putin currently does. Everyone completely loyal to Putin is now loyal to you. Enemies of Putin are enemies of you. Putin no longer exists, and there has been a clean and absolute transfer of power to you. The economic, military, social and political situations are the same as they now are. You are not inhabiting Putin’s body, you are just you. You’re magically transferred to the Kremlin. The world at large doesn’t know your past life, to them you have magically appeared as the new ruler. To everyone who knew you before, you just vanished.
Edit: no one knows your past life YET. They’ll quickly figure it out. You will not lose any support based on your actions in your past life.
Try to learn Russian really quickly.
You’re the president, just make English the official language. Now it’s their problem.
Blyat
- Give Volodymyr a call
- Pull out of Ukraine and Georgia
- Hand over Putin to ICC
- Instruct the loyalists that democratic reform is coming, and nobody is to be given the window/tea treatment.
- Call Navalnys widow and tell her to prepare her political aparatus
- Announce an election in 6 months (should be enough to prepare everything, I guess?) with international observers encouraged to participate
- Realize that I have no fucking idea how to ensure that elections on that scale are free and fair, so I ask for assistance from aforementioned observers.
- Pull an epic prank on Lukashenko. Possibly involving potatoes.
- Realize that I am in no way fit to run a country, and start planning my (safe) exit. Once the election results are in I’ll be gone without a trace.
- Repeal putins laws
- Start releasing political prisoners
- Last thing I do before leaving is calling this guy named/called Misha whether he’s fine with Murmansk, or if he wants the city to have a new name.
- Get murdered somewhere around step 4 at the latest
Fortunately for OP, they didn’t use numbered bullets, so they’re safe!
Regular bullets work just as well, if you happen to fall on one during a quick exit from the upper floor.
If I were truly thrown into this scenario, my first step would be accepting likely death. Even if you maintain status quo and do no good, you’ll be killed by the next guy in line. There’s nearly no way to both satisfy the current oligarchs and maintain enough power to prevent being replaced by one of them. There is also no way out, as Russia has carried out assassinations in foreign countries. Not that you’d make it onto a plane.
So I really would try to do all that. I’d tell them that whatever force got me there also gave me time to enact failsafes so that, if I disappeared, every property that every Russian billionaire owned would make unexpected contact with drones. Then I’d go ahead and post Putin’s files with every billionaire’s dirt and holdings hoping to start some fires they’d need to put out before coming for me. From there, an aggressive push towards democracy by appealing to the people in the hopes that they’ll back me, which might buy a little extra time.
I think this secures a few hours. They won’t want to move against a complete unknown that suddenly became president. That’s enough to call Biden (allegedly to negotiate US withdrawal from Ukraine in exchange for election interference in Harris’s favor) and send him every bit of data on the military that I could. That might be enough deterrence to buy more time: “the US military knows everything now, so killing me might have consequences.” I’d CC several other NATO members, but for time’s sake Biden is probably the one to call.
Maybe I could get some bodyguards that appear loyal to me, maybe not. But every bit of bluster I could muster, I’d throw it down out the gate, then start trying to fix the country before they call the bluff.
Yeah, I still die quickly, but even a single step towards improvement is worth my life. An easy decision to make when it was forfeit the second I became president. Even if I failed miserably, merely dumping presidential documents would have been worth it. Perhaps it’d get the ball rolling.
Edit: I missed the part where everyone loyal to Putin would be loyal to me. That opens up a ton of space to actually set up these failsafes or move against the oligarchs myself, as well as secure the Kremlin with men more or less actually loyal to me (by wiring them all a million USD on the spot with promise of more). Putin put down a rebellion from one of the most powerful oligarchs, so there might actually be a way to survive long enough to do many of the things on that list. I’d probably not dump the oligarch files and keep that on a disappearance failsafe then proceed mostly the same hoping to generate serious, potentially irreversible momentum before dying.
Sounds like a good way to get a pro Putin oligarch elected. Even with fair elections they have a lot of support.
There will be an epidemic of falls through windows. It will affect oligarchs and will spare the population. There is a cure: leaving the country after having relinquished all your money to the government.
Oligarchs problem solved.
Sounds like how Stalin got his start. “If I just kill this small group of bad people things will be better.”
Oh no, the people who replaced them are corrupt too. Ok, this next wave of executions will surely send the right message.
“The murdering will continue until corruption decreases”
I think it’s a good plan. I either stop corruption or I run out of people (which technically will stop corruption too).
I mean, it kinda worked for him
They’ll try a coup
Only if I’m not fast enough spreading the pandemic
two chicks at the same time
They’re North Korean assassins. But you had a good run.
Eh, worth
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“That’s it? If you were in charge of Russia, you’d do two chicks at the same time?”
Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I were a dictator I could hook that up, too; 'cause chicks dig dudes with countries.
Man
Not all women are interested in power.
I bet at least two of them are!
It’s like running away from an octopus. You don’t have to be faster than the octopus, you just have to be faster than the guy standing next to you.
For an octopus you would have to be faster than 8 other people near you
I think it says a lot about the people on the interwebs that we started out talking about a ménage à trois and veered into racing against killer octopuses.
And yes, it’s octopuses, not ‘octopi’
You’ve just aptly described why this is the best part of the Internet.
I don’t think you’d have to worry about running away from an octopus at all…
D’uh. Everyone knows that octopuses are sea creatures and can’t run on land.
The octopus has a motorcycle.
Oh god…
Which one?Ducati
No but the kind of chicks who’d double up on a guy like me do.
Finally! Where’ve you been all day?! I thought that would be instant!
I know! Those 3 line are god damn masterpiece in screenwriting. I guess I just got lucky
The kinda chicks who would double up on a guy like me are
Nice try, Putin.
Just asking for a friend
transfer collective power of russia to hexbear and see what happens
Chaotic neutral
Get the fuck out of Russia
Oof, they’re already in a population crisis
Probably get assassinated if I’m being real
Probably shit my self.
Not because it’s scary or something, just because I have so much power that I can shit myself and no one would dare say anything.
I think i’m starting to understand dictators
Ideally, I’d call up Zelenskyy, ask if he wanted to hang out, have a beer and offer him the job.
Realistically, I’d be doomscrolling on Lemmy, have a wank, get drunk and go to bed.
Don’t stand too close to windows.
For starters:
Arrest Putin and all his enablers.
Stop all hostilities with Ukraine.
Return all prisoners.
Help rebuild Ukraine.
Develop Russia into what it can be. It’s the largest country in the world, lots of land and resources. Build it up responsibly and sustainably.
Recognize the positive achievements of Russia while trying to avoid past mistakes.
It’s the largest country in the world,
It’s a federation. You could balkanise Russia into dependencies.
Contact Zelensky directly, and offer the following peace terms:
Ukraine gets it’s land back, everyone gets their own people back, war crimes are investigated. Inform him that if he takes the deal, I’ll start issuing orders to surrender immediately, and we can sign whatever document and do whatever ceremony when people aren’t dying. Delegate the orders to withdraw and surrender.
Call Trump and talk to him about future relationships with Russia. Immediately publish the phonecall so there’s evidence of him violating the Logan act.
Then I’d schedule a to see a physician so I can get some Healthcare, and start bringing in real experts so I can fix the domestic problems Russia is facing. This’ll probably include a translator because I don’t speak Russian. My overall goals with the reforms would be restructuring the central government to be an extremely robust democracy, abolishing corporations and replacing them with cooperatives, putting together better (especially IT) infrastructure, and dismantling Oil production. Russia is already a place where online piracy thrives, so I’d probably lean into that, and make state-sponsored programs that make information freely available to the entire world.
Big fan of the free info for the world, state funded open source solutions targeted at shitty companies would be good too - I’d probably start by utterly destroying Adobe snd then an open source printer that’s easy to manufacture on fllosh machines to kill HP and the rest of the awful junk companies.
This’ll probably include a translator because I don’t speak Russian.
I feel like that’s the problem for this question in general.
Finally. All these years of Hearts of Iron are going to pay off big time.
I would want to be the sort of leader with tons of weird facts around himself, so
Offer a ceasefire with Ukraine, try to make peace with as little losses as possible. It’s not really my priority to make war, my priority is filling my wikipedia page with as many different shit as possible.
Abolish physics laws one day, then legalise it again.
Introduce Mann Co’s CEO policy for the position of Vice President. (Whoever can beat the current VP via one on one unarmed combat becomes the current VP, no matter who.)
Legalise gambling between 03:00-07:00 and ban it between any other time interval.
Define tax evasion as a taxable income source, as long as they detail how they commit tax evasion so future laws can patch it.
Take putin’s legalising piracy one step further and fund open source piracy software openly. Offer developers full time residency and shielding from law if they encounter legal troubles.
Make a deal with another country’s leader to declare war and make peace right afterwards, breaking the records for fastest declaration of war, shortest war and the fastest peace treaty. Maybe declare multiple wars in a similar fashion to try to keep lowering the records.
Recognise all micronations, with the exception of those around Antartica.
Claim Antartica is owned by polar bears and define all claims made there as illegitimate claims.
I wanna vote for u as world leader
How about this?
Captain Basculin: An Unconventional Leadership
Early Life and Ascension
Captain Basculin, an enigmatic figure whose rise to power is marked by unconventional policies and bizarre regulations, unexpectedly succeeded Vladimir Putin as the President of Russia. Despite the sudden and unexplained nature of his ascension, Basculin quickly established a reputation for his peculiar approach to governance.
Policies and Governance
Ceasefire and Peace Efforts
Basculin’s initial policy focus was on establishing a ceasefire with Ukraine. His goal was to minimize conflict and loss of life, reflecting his broader inclination towards peace rather than warfare. This pragmatic approach was coupled with a unique personal ambition to enrich his Wikipedia page with a plethora of unusual facts.
Legislation on Physics and Gambling
In a series of unprecedented legislative actions, Basculin enacted and then repealed laws regulating the fundamental principles of physics, creating a temporary period where physical laws were suspended. He also introduced highly irregular gambling regulations, permitting gambling exclusively between 03:00 and 07:00, and banning it during all other hours.
Vice Presidential Appointment and Taxation
Under Basculin’s administration, the Vice Presidential position was redefined with a policy inspired by Mann Co’s CEO selection process: the position would be awarded to the victor of a one-on-one unarmed combat match against the incumbent Vice President. In an unconventional move to address tax evasion, Basculin redefined it as a taxable income source, provided evaders disclosed their methods to assist in future legal reforms.
Piracy and Open Source Software
Building on Putin’s legacy of legalizing piracy, Basculin took a step further by openly funding open source piracy software. Developers involved in these activities were granted full-time residency and legal protection, creating a controversial yet distinctive facet of his governance.
Record-Breaking Wars
Basculin initiated a novel diplomatic strategy involving rapid conflict resolution. He brokered agreements with other nations to declare and end wars in record times, repeatedly breaking records for the shortest wars and fastest peace treaties. This approach extended to multiple countries, aimed at continually lowering these records.
Micronations and Antarctica
In a bold geopolitical maneuver, Basculin recognized all micronations worldwide except for those located around Antarctica. He also declared Antarctica as the territory of polar bears, dismissing all human territorial claims on the continent as invalid.
Legacy and Impact
Captain Basculin’s tenure was marked by a series of surreal and unconventional policies that have made a significant impact on international governance norms. His approach has both intrigued and bewildered observers, cementing his legacy as one of the most eccentric leaders in modern history.
I think you have some stiff competition on the shortest war from the Conch Republic. You’d have to sign the peace treaty in 59 seconds to beat the record. (Be sure that the enemy sets their killbots for a very low preset kill limit.)
Invite DJT, Bibi and several other leaders to my dining room, on 14th floor, with great view as with many, many windows …
