So, my good friend (18m) had a falling out with his ex (19m) because the ex bullied him and also because he is apparently dating a 16f, so my friend thinks he is a pedophile for obvious reasons (adult + minor).
I can see why this would be considered bad but also, when I turn 16, my girlfriend will be 19 too, as I am currently a young sophomore who is about 3 years younger than her girlfriend, a senior.
You don’t say what country you’re in, so I’ll assume you’re in my country. 16 is the age of consent so it’s totally fine from a legal perspective.
Whether it’s morally ok depends on the people involved. Are they similar maturity levels? Or is one taking advantage of the other’s immaturity?
Either way, it’s none of anyone’s business.
I think pedophilia is more or less not a thing if you’re just three years apart and 18 years old.
Despite what the law sais 18 years don’t magically make you knowledgeable and reasonable.
Although, I don’t think relationships at 16 or 18 will last very long as you really are just children
Yes it really is… I know when in High School you don’t get that , but once your removed from that isolated environment you will se it.
I thought this post was about the numbers and … Well, I like 16. It’s got a few neat math things going on. 19 is a prime, but doesn’t have much else going on for it.
edit: I was thinking that 16x3 was 38 and that 19x2 was 38, which would be interesting. However, 16x3 is 48, which I love, while 19x2 is indeed 38, which is still pretty cool. On the other hand, 64 is fun, while 57 is super duper boring.
Maybe my wife is right when she says I’m neurodivergent.
Are you kidding? 57 is interesting. From Wikipedia:
57 is semiprime, a Blum integer, and a Leyland number.[3]
The split Lie algebra E7+ 1 / 2 has a 57-dimensional Heisenberg algebra as its nilradical, and the smallest possible homogeneous space for E8 is also 57-dimensional.
Although fifty-seven is not prime, it is jokingly known as the Grothendieck prime after a legend in which the mathematician Alexander Grothendieck gave it as an example of a prime number, not realizing it was divisible by three. The same error was made by another famous mathematician, Hermann Weyl, in a published article.
😮
AQ-50: “Are you fascinated by numbers?”
No, but I’m friends with them.
Apparently AQ-50 is an autism test. Now I feel called out.
39 and 16? Bad. 25 and 15? Bad. 55 and 17? Bad.
Glad we cleared some of those examples up. Oh and so long as this 16-19 relationship isn’t all sexual because the moment someone figures it out that it is, it won’t matter what your beliefs are, past 18 is legal adult age and she’s still a teen. That’s like, going up against a universally agreed wrong thing to do vs your beliefs.
I think with an european perspective 16 and 19 sounds like a bit significant difference to me, and most possibly others may get worried.
Imo 17 and 19 is totally okay, but I hope your relationship will stand and stay safe.
The problem with age gaps isn’t age; it’s experience and power. Three years is still a big percentage of your life right now. In ten years time, three years will not be as significant a part of your life.
Think about how different you expect to be as a person in three years. Can you even realistically imagine who you will be?
As far as relationships - they work out when the people in them have common goals, and they fail- no matter how much love is in there- when the people involved are going in different directions in life. Part of your problem at your age is that the direction of your like is likely to change drastically over the coming years in ways you cannot anticipate.
Your answer right here, is why people need to think a little about age gaps. Like, I’ve heard and see people date where one is 21 years old and the other is like 32. Perfectly legal, however, that is a giant gap of this experience and power. The 32 year old will be in a considerably different worldview than the 21 year old and it’ll be completely jarring to function as a normal relationship.
I appreciate this answer, because it at least tries to reason from first principles. You can’t, imo, have this conversation without actually defining what we consider to be the problem.
I think the key concern is that age – particularly during teenage years – typically correlates with a power imbalance. And the concern is that the younger person could be exploited and/or suffer harm. However we need to remember:
- It’s possible for relationships to have a power imbalance and no one is harmed or looks back with regret.
- It’s possible for relationships between people of the same age to be very harmful/regretable.
So the questions I have are: how correlated is a specific age gap with severe harm? And what would we advise in this situation?
I think that a 16 year-old probably has around a 50% of getting badly hurt in a relationship with another 16 year-old, and probably a ~65% chance with a 19 year-old. Because a 19 year-old can probably manipulate a 16 year-old better than their peer, but they’re also presumably a bit more experienced and mature, which can be a good thing.
I’m making these predictions presuming that they’re sexually active, btw. Which I think is probable. But if they’re not, I think that the risks go down to around 10% chance in both cases. This is just my gut impression. So I’d just advise any 16 year-old in a relationship with a 19 year-old to move VERY slowly physically, and talk frequently to an older friend or sibling. And if your partner wants to do anything you’re uncomfortable talking about with your older friend or sibling, that’s a sign you shouldn’t do it.
If you follow that rule, I think 16 and 19 is no big deal. Because I really want to emphasize: a lot of the risk already exists when a 16 year-old dates someone their own age.
16-19? Not pedophilia. Not literally nor legally, move on.
Pedophilia means being attracted by somebody who does not show sexual maturity yet, and I strongly doubt that I the case (I have a 16yo daughter, so…). And laws, usually, have clear exceptions for similar ages people like this, as it’s expected and quite normal. I mean given how stupid males are at that age, he being 3y older alny means they are closer than two 16yo.
Are they both in school? Is there some power imbalance or abuse? Otherwise, move on and let them live their lives.
It’s not literally pedophilia, cool, but it is still creepy and child abuse
being 16 makes a 19 year old seem like a real adult
it wont end well, this situation probably means the younger party isn’t in a good place, some 19yo bozo isn’t in a position to support someone
I have no idea which part of the world you live, but here nothing of that is true most of the time.
That would be a love story between a first year and a last year student. Maybe unusual, but mostly doomed to last 3 months at best.
Indeed a 17-19 is more common, and 18-19 quite common, but I wouldnt worry too much. Monitor yes, specially if the 16yo is somebody I care for/of.
But child abuse? That’s a bit stretched.
Grey area. The suggestion that it’s pedophilia is silly given they’re close in age, but a 3-4 year age gap when someone is 16 can be pretty significant; I’d consider it a warning sign.
Definitely a warning sign. It really depends on the specifics because people mature at different rates, but there’s a much higher chance of it being problematic. There’s the half your age plus 7 rule, but it doesn’t really work if you are under 22.
There’s the half your age plus 7 rule, but it doesn’t really work if you are under 22.
Doesn’t it?
- 14/2+7 = 14. It’s questionable for anybody under 14 to be in a romantic or sexual relationship even if the other person is the exact same age.
- 16/2+7 = 15. People tend to mature rapidly in this age range, so dating someone much younger is sketchy.
- 18/2+7 = 16.
- 20/2+7 = 17.
These line up with my intuition for the age gap being acceptable, not something that should raise eyebrows. A little outside that becomes a warning sign. A lot outside that is almost certainly abusive.
21 and 17 can be a big gap, even 20 and 17 can be. It’s not as clear cut as 22, which can also be sketchy but is at least recognized as fully legal everywhere. I think there’s too much diversity in maturity and life experience at those young ages, the potential for issues increases so those kinds of relationships are inherently concerning in ways that relationships involving legal adults are not. I’m not saying they are inherently problematic, but if you know people with that kind of age gap you should be looking out for the underage person to ensure they aren’t being taken advantage of.
Yeah, my first boyfriend had been jumped up two grades, so I was 16 and he was 14. It never went beyond awkward kissing in the alley after class tho.
Not pedophilia since not prepubescent.
In the medical sense a therapist treating someone for pedophilia would use the term, you’re correct. In a colloquial sense, Epstein was a pedophile.
*age divided by two plus seven, round up with acknowledgments to experience gaps / power dynamics"/
“19 / 2 = 9.5 + 7 = 16.5” rounded is a plain seventeen.
His ex is in the wrong. Not even taking into account the experience gap between the two / power dynamics.
While I don’t know your specifics kid, I recommend taking some time to write down a few things:
- What you’re capable of versus what your older girlfriend is capable of.
- What are you able to provide versys what your older girlfriend is able to provide.
- What you give verus what you get.
The final advice is be careful of those older than you until you’re at least done with college.
nah. a three year difference is nothing. its ok for teens to date teens.
13 and 19 is really bad so the broad statement “it’s ok for teens to date teens” definitely needs a big asterisk. 16 and 19 is probably the biggest gap that’s not unequivocally creepy but can still be bad considering how different people develop
it doesn’t seem weird as an adult to think about that gap, but that’s a freshman and a senior and yes that is weird
A 30yr old and a 35yr old are basically in the same place in life, they have both had many similar experiences, and have fully matured.
Even between 17 and 19 there are potentials for vastly different levels of maturity and different experiences like one can be in high school and the other in college or working
At those ages its tough. I have a friend who secretly started dating his wife when she was in junior high while he was in high school. Once she was 18 they officially started dating for a year then did the one year engagement and then got married to be all proper but they had known each other for like half a decade or more before the official thing. Have not hung around with them for awhile but from facebook they still seem to be married and their kids are getting pretty old. Ultimately he is only like 4 years older than her and something which if your talking 18 and 22 is no big deal but 18 and 14 gets real weird.
As said, case by case situation. It’s an adult dating a minor, but sufficiently close in age to be waived, with several restrictions and close watch by all involved, especially family members.
I feel like as long as they’re (the seniors) still in school, then it should be fine.
I personally know someone that almost this exact situation has happened to.
The half your age plus 7 rule holds up even then in my book. It’s not like you turn 18 and have to suddenly dump your 17 year old partner.
19/2=9.5, 9.5+7 is 16.5. so if she’s closer to 17 than just turned 16 than the rule holds up. He is on the lowest bar though.
You’re going to find there’s a lot of creepy guys who hang around your high school and try to get with high school girls because they’re emotionally stunted and don’t know how to attract someone of the same age. When you see a 22 year old guy prowling around a 16 or 17 year old, alarm bells should be going off. Your friend? It’s nearing weird but if this is a one-off case I wouldn’t be too surprised. It’s like a senior dating a sophomore.
