cross-posted from: https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/13974203
Hey, so I [17 MTF] have now known I’m trans for a bit over 1.5 years. Still, I have only come out to precisely 2 friends and my parents, even though I am a member of several groups that are trans-supportive. I have extreme anxiety when it comes to that.
Some reasons that I believe are part of why: (CW transphobia included)
- My parents didn’t take it super well and are kind of on the edge between transphobic and supportive. (They have a lot of transphobic views but are generally not malicious about it and try to use gender neutral terms for me most of the time.)
- One of the friends turned out to be quite transmed despite being trans herself, and has invalidated me on several occasions for not having enough dysphoria at the time.
- I’m scared other people won’t take it super well and I have no functioning support network.
- I’m scared I’ll be seen as some kind of abomination
- I don’t really feel like I “deserve” to come out since I haven’t started HRT yet (and my parents do not support me starting, so I have to do this in secret) and don’t feel like I pass well enough. I know I don’t need to, but telling my anxiety any of that has no effect
This anxiety is absolutely crippling my progress. It extends not only to coming out but also leaves me too scared to even make an attempt to pass. I look pretty fem already and have sufficient voice training for most situations, but I don’t even attempt to use that voice in public just in case it might slip. For this reason, everyone assumes I’m male very quickly upon me saying anything, which also leads to the anxiety worsening because now I’m also scared it was the looks and not the voice.
Additionally, I am non-confrontational to the point of fawning a LOT, which means I end up trying to appease anyone I have a conversation with even when there is no reason to. If someone criticizes the way my walls are painted for example, I will always agree with them to at least some extent, even if I actually like the way the walls are. This also makes coming out super hard because there is absolutely no way I will stand up for myself if someone reacts negatively. And that’ll of course validate them in their negativity.
As I’ve said, I have multiple groups that I know to be trans-supportive. But there, I am afraid coming out might still lead to disapproval due to me “not passing enough”. (Once again, I know this is a harmful way to think, but that’s what I’m here to fix.)
I’m on a waiting list for a therapist, although I don’t know how trans-supportive they are. I’m primarily there to help fix the anxiety and possibly get the autism I suspect to have diagnosed. I do hope they’re good with trans stuff too, but it’s not a requirement as I’ve already sorted the medical things out with slightly less-than-legal options.
So, my question is: Do you have any tips on how to reduce this anxiety and expand my support network by coming out in more places?
oof, sorry for my U.S.-centrism 😳 I usually try to be better than that.
Usually T & E tests are a bit expensive, would be surprising to me if they tested again, but I see why you wouldn’t take the risk.
US-centrism again. It costs nothing for my family here. :P
I assume in Germany the tests are still expensive, the burden just falls on the state. I’m not sure whether that would translate to the state not wanting to keep the tests, or if they really would cover it.
Either way you are right that it is U.S.-centrism, as providers are more concerned about costs for patients here and care is often not provided for financial reasons.
I wanted to check in and see how you are doing and see if there are any updates. Hope you are doing well. <3
I’m doing okay in general but not great right now. Tests really are free for me and I can pretty much do as many as I want. But I exist with transphobic parents so that’s not happening for a year or more.
I’ve come out in some places now and lost some of the fear. But now I have a different problem, namely that my voice still sucks because it turns out doing all voice training quietly in my room to avoid being heard, means I can only do the new voice quietly -_-. So now I have to somehow translate that to a more usable voice and make it less dependent on confidence (right now it collapses whenever I’m not confident enough).
Voice training can be really challenging, even with a supportive environment. Have you listened to Selene’s clips on size?
https://selenearchive.github.io/
That’s a good place to start, as resonance is probably the most important factor in changing how your voice’s gender is perceived.
You are going through a difficult time now, but it won’t always be like this - I wish you the best as you get through these challenges!
I’m already very far in voice training actually, it’s just really hard to do it right when either speaking loudly, or being nervous.
I find it helps to raise pitch to be heard more easily when trying to increase volume, it goes against my habit which is to lower pitch and increase vocal weight to be heard.
Being nervous certainly doesn’t help, though.
I’m seven-ish months into voice training, any advice you would give?