My partner and I just had a talk about it. Basically, she celebrated her birthday today. I was on her party, and it was fun, but I left after around 2 hours to get home and relax a bit. After I arrived, a friend of mine texted me and asked me if I wanted to go to a lake and see the sunset. I agreed, we went to the lake and went swimming in it; it was really nice. Later, after arriving at my partners, she talked with me that it hurts her that I went out with someone else on her birthday, doing a romantically coded activity.

To be honest, I realize that I don’t have a single clue what is coded as a romantically coded activity. For me, this was something completely okay and appropriate, because it is for me clearly a friend-thing; but my partner explained to me that the combination of going out with another person on her birthday and going to a sea, which is a secluded place, just heavily connotates it in a romantic way.

I understand that what I’ve done here wasn’t right, and that I have responsibility here. Even though I didn’t want to hurt my partner, it is still my responsibility to inform myself here on romantically conmotated things you shouldn’t do in a partnership. So, dear people of Lemmy, what does constitute a romantic moment?

Edit: I’ve left out some information which seems to be important for the whole picture . I’ve copied it out of my comment and adding it here:

Me and my gf got together in August of last year, so basically 8 months ago; we were friends for half a year before that. She got cheated on in her long distance relationship before.

The friend who invited me to the sea I actually know for almost as long as my partner, from the beginning of Uni. She had a breakup from a three-year old relationship a few months ago, and I was there to support her. I didn’t clarify before though if she was okay with me cuddling with people or not; I assumed it was with her, because it was okay in her LDR before - which was wrong of me. I overstepped the boundaries of my partner here.

The friend in question kissed me at the neck while I was at hers. I talked with her about it and let her know that I wasn’t okay with it, to which she reacted quite hurt. She then told me that we shouldn’t be friends, but two weeks ago she collapsed at Uni and I brought her home. Now we are meeting again.

While I’m writing this down, I’m actually starting to notice that there are a lot of other factors playing in why my partner is upset here. She has been cheated on in the past, which definitely leads her to feel uncomfortable about my actions, even though I obviously don’t want to cheat. I broke a societally unwritten rule of not meeting people in romantically coded settings on your partners birthday. And I overstepped the boundary of my partner before by cuddling with the friend without my partners consent.

  • radicalautonomy@lemmy.worldEnglish
    89·
    6 months ago

    You didn’t do anything wrong, I don’t think. Your partner has every right to feel hurt. She has feelings…she’s a human being with human emotions, and they are telling her that she should feel hurt right now.

    But it is each individual person’s responsibility to dig into why they have the feelings they do and not blame others for those feelings when it wasn’t warranted.

    • Did she communicate to you that she wanted you to spend the entire evening with her on her birthday, and did you then agree to do that only to bounce early and then end up going to hang out with a friend instead? If so, then I’d probably feel less than important, if it were me, and Iight be questioning how important our relationship is to my partner.
    • Did she not communicate such a desire and is now indicating hurt by you spending time with a friend the same night as her birthday party? If so…if you didn’t commit to spending the entire evening with her on her birthday…them she doesn’t have a right to blame you for her hurt. You have a right to decide how you will spend your tiem and with whom, and if she wanted you to be at the party the whole evening, then she should have asked.
    • Or is it really more to do with her feeling jealousy and that she thinks you swimming with a friend is bordering on cheating (assuming you are monogamous together)? If so, then that is something you two will have to discuss together, to hammer out a relationship agreement in which you dig into what you will provide from the relationship, what you need from it, what you want from it, and what the dealbreakers are. If you’ve never had such a discussion and she is just assuming that you doing that was not kosher, then she would be in the wrong to expect more of you than you’ve committed to in your relationship.
    • bisby@lemmy.worldEnglish
      102·
      6 months ago

      if you didn’t commit to spending the entire evening with her on her birthday

      Bad news. This is sound logic, but in NT world, there are all sorts of implied social contracts. Dating someone defaults to “yes you DID commit to spending the evening with her on her birthday, unless otherwise discussed to opt out”.

      Not everything needs to be spoken or written down. If I walk into a restaurant but there is no sign that says “please form a line to place your order,” I’m not going to barge to the front and begin ordering, because “form a line and wait your turn” is understood to be how society functions.

      You are absolutely not obligated to follow the implied social contracts. And you not obligated to know all of the implied social contracts. But you also don’t get to take the moral high ground on the situation.

      she doesn’t have a right to blame you for her hurt

      A healthy relationship doesn’t have blame or a scoreboard or anything like that. It REALLY doesn’t matter who is to blame. Try to win an argument by saying “Well you dont have the right to blame me.” It will end more relationships than it will win arguments. If you value the relationship, you want your partner to not hurt regardless of the source/blame. The hurt happened and all you can do is figure out how to prevent the hurt going forward, which will often be by communicating and setting expectations.

      • radicalautonomy@lemmy.worldEnglish
        36·
        6 months ago

        Bad news. This is sound logic, but in NT world, there are all sorts of implied social contracts.

        Almost stopped reading here. There is no “NT world”. It’s just…the world. And it’s made up of all sorts of people. I don’t give a fuck about implied social contracts in relationships as they are bullshit. You talk together and figure out what your relationship is about. End of.

        Not everything needs to be spoken or written down. If I walk into a restaurant but there is no sign that says “please form a line to place your order,” I’m not going to barge to the front and begin ordering, because “form a line and wait your turn” is understood to be how society functions.

        …this is a gag, right? You’re having me on?

        What you’ve written is not unlike a middle school persuasion paper: Written by someone with little understanding of the requisite material while using strained arguments to put forth an air of confidence in their position.

        Absolutely stopped reading here.

        • bisby@lemmy.worldEnglish
          72·
          6 months ago

          Written by someone with little understanding of the requisite material

          The requisite material for the topic at hand is “dating a person who clearly thought there are implied social contracts at play, and attempting to make it work out anyway”

          OP is asking about “How do I fit into society?” not “How should society function?”

          I agree with you that a lot of implied social contracts are bullshit. But also they exist. Until you have had that talk together to figure out the relationship, there has to be some assumptions. People don’t always have deep “what is this relationship” 2 minutes into the first date. Assumptions are not always bad.

          Your stance is that the assumption is “I have no obligations until I’ve agreed to them.” This is itself merely an assumption to make and not just “fact” of some sort. The vast majority of society has the assumption of “The relationship IS an obligation to some degree based on context.” I’m not saying which assumption is “right,” I’m just saying how it works for most people.

          If I’m in a relationship where I’m committed enough to refer to the other person as “my partner” then I’m going to err on the side of not hurting them, regardless of who is to blame. If I can prevent the other person from being hurt just by working along with their assumptions until we can have a conversation where we make things explicit and there are no more assumptions, then why wouldn’t I do that, unless “being right” is more important than my partner.

          • greencactus@lemmy.worldOPEnglish
            31·
            6 months ago

            I’m gonna jump into this thread here :)

            My partner knows that I’m autistic, so she specifically clarified she has understanding of my inability to read social rules. I completely agree that the societal contracts often are bullshit, and I urge to clarify to me if something doesn’t work for her, not to assume that I know that anyways (because 99% of the time I don’t know).

            And I agree with you, that for me not hurting my partner here is more important than saying “I’m right though”. While of course we didn’t talk before about this specific boundary and we had different assumptions, I don’t want to hurt my partner and I’m doing my part (obligatory Starship Troopers reference) to make sure I am not harming her more than necessary.