I can’t with this fucking paper anymore. I spent the past few days morning to night developing my models for the circuits I am working on. I have to submit this paper (for a first draft, so there is a silver lining to this) tomorrow by midnight. I had not run my simulations yet, or added citationSS.

I sit down to finally run my simulations, then I realized the circuit had a connection in a slightly different location than what I’d used in developing my theory. To my horror I have come to realize that this makes all my work over the past few days useless and I have to redevelop the theory.

I swear to fucking God, I’m done with this shit. I feel tempted to just ignore this problem and fix it by the time of my final draft. I’ve been working 7 days a week for God only knows how many weeks now. I just want a regular Sunday for once. I mean, I still have to make citationSS even if I ignore the other problem. And I have to study for a regular course as well…

Honestly … having irregular hours as a student doesn’t mean you have endless free time. It just means that you have no actual overtime protections because there is no concept of overtime and it feels like the university expects you to work 24/7. I’m pretty sure that I’m technically clocking in at 60 hours per week or something like that (50 at bare minimum), excluding the commuting time of about 10 hours.

And then there is the endless limitless chuderry of some of the people that I know. It’s honestly kind of insane what people will tell you in private. I had this guy that I know go on a full hinduvata induced Adolf Hitler* type fantasizing about how he would genocide Pakisthan and China. Not very coincidentally, I knew this very outwardly “progressive” and liberal dude bro who got along very well with the Hinduvata when it came to the topic of China.

*he doesn’t even deny it when I called him a hitlerite. Like he actually is aware of how insane the things he is saying are and just accepts it.

I’ve also seen our department’s student run bar organize an event where the main attraction was to make fun of anti-fossil fuel protestors and trans people. Yes, the university advertises itself as inclusive. Yes, our department has a number of women that can be counted on your hands. Yes, our department’s students constantly take courses from a different department for the purpose of chasing after girls. How could you tell?

And the weirdest of all is the kids who tell me about the criminal and political activities of their ultra rich families. Honestly, this shit is straight up endearing compared to everything else. Yes, I actually would like to know more about the Filipino underworld. Oh, your family has safehouses all over Greece and getaway drivers at standby at all times to escape the country at any time? <— I’m not even joking about these.

I’ll stop myself before I go even deeper into the deep end and go on an even bigger tangent. Of course I have to end this dumb rant on a sour note. The only person I’ve told about being trans to IRL is constantly misgendering me even when we’re not in public.

The more I put my feelings into words, the more I think to myself, “what the fuck have I gotten myself into with this degree?”.