This weekend I got to use my new name and pronouns with my community for the first time ever. I couldn’t believe how good it felt to hear my new name coming from the people I love. I have been having a really tough couple of months as I have been slowly processing my gender and the joy this weekend gave me made it all feel worth it.

I am extremely lucky, I have so many amazing people around me. All of my people that I reintroduced myself to were excited and supportive. I know that I have a really long road ahead and that not everyone is going to be that great. But I got a taste of what I am doing this for and I think she’s going to be worth it.

I got a clinic referral yesterday! Waiting on a confirmation letter/email but the gp visit went so much better than I expected. I was automatically offered the clinic with the shortest waiting times and the doctor made sure to make a note of my preferred name and pronouns on my file. I was in and out in 10 minutes and had to contain a big dumb smile as I was leaving

Anxious. Have Harvest Festival/Thanksgibbon plans with the family (not notably stressworthy) in a different state. Travel plans for work/pet are mostly settled, but the stress remains.

One of the things I’ve been hoping for with HRT (apart from boobs and so on) is more emotional depth. I have a not entirely undeserved reputation as an emotional black hole. I was going to complain about not seeing any of that this week, until I realized that I’ve been crying over random things all weekend that would ordinarily have me annoyed and looking for a drink. It’s weird how much better I feel after, kind of like a cheat code.

A trans woman I’ve been following on Youtube recently posted a rant about the trans community, and she seems to have internalized a lot of right-wing transphobic talking points. That saddens me, because I’ve only just started unpacking all of my internalized transphobia and misogyny (and I thought I was an ally!) and I realize it’s been causing me a lot of self-loathing.

Oh, and dialing in my dose after switching to injections sucks. I mean, I can top up with gel if need be, but every time I see man stuff coming back feels like waking up from a really good dream and realizing it was just a fantasy all along. Androgen blockers are available, but kind of a last resort here. Guess I might want to seriously consider orchiectomy^*?

I want a hug :(

^* Autocorrect suggested “hysterectomy” instead, which – I mean – thanks for the affirmation, I guess?

I could need some feedback on an experience that I’m overthinking…

I was at a concert a week ago. I’m kinda tall so I stand to the side to not be too much on the way, but still dancing/jumping and having a good time. Generally I don’t pass, but I was wearing fairly feminine clothes. At some point something kinda pulls a hair stand from behind? So I jump around and see a guy just sorta grinning awkwardly/maybe embarrassed at the floor. I don’t really know what he’s doing so I just stare him down for another moment and get back to the music.

So, uh, what did he want? It kinda reminds me of boys trying to get girls attention in kindergarten-kind of logic. Did I pass? Was it rude to use my height like that? So many useless questions!

Feeling really dysphoric about it for some reason too:/